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Mellowillow
17 January 2016 @ 03:33 am

His voice..my dad had this beautiful heavily accented deep voice. I hear it right now. Oh god I pray I'll never forget it. He loved to whistle and sing. I would call him and sing a few versus of a sing and he would finish it. Though later it was just me singing while he chuckled. I'll miss arguing over who was the better cook in the family. He could make anything taste heavenly. The night before he passed he was lively. We were able to understand him for the first time in days. And when my mom walked in the room he smiled and lit up like the sunrise.
My dad went on to a better place and I'm aching and praying my mom finds strength. They were married 45yrs and I'm seeing her heart break over and over. We'll get thru this somehow. RIP Daddy. We love you. You'll always be the world to us.
 
 
Mellowillow
29 April 2015 @ 11:17 pm
Is anybody out there?
 
 
Mellowillow
01 September 2012 @ 09:12 am
Fall is almost here  :]
 
 
Mood: mellowmellow
 
 
Mellowillow
03 November 2011 @ 08:24 pm
Welp November is here so there's only a few things that really matter.
My birthday, cool new video games and awesome cold weather. YaY!
 
 
Mood: excitedexcited
 
 
Mellowillow
07 September 2011 @ 06:11 pm
I was driving my friend home from work when we noticed the storm approaching. I couldn't stop wondering if I could get a good storm picture. So I drove to a nearby private beach neighboorhood to watch the lightening storm from the sand. It was so dark and peaceful. Without all the daytime tourist crowds it felt like we owned the whole damn beach. My friend suggested going in the water. The thing is, I've always been terrified of it at night..it looks so mysterious, and my imagination runs wild..like some tentacled beast from the deep is waiting to drag me away. But I did it. I took off my pants, shoes, and shirt and ran in. Three hours passed as we played in the water. And I swam for the first time in years. Oh man it was just fantastic. I'm happy summer is pretty much done but I think I'm going to go back a few times before it gets cold.
 
 
Mood: chipperchipper
 
 
 
Mellowillow
21 July 2011 @ 12:52 am
 Nerdapalooza is always the best last minute decision I make ...every year!!! Going back and seeing all those familiar faces again felt like going home.  I got to film a MegaRan interview then spent the rest of the day in a random ass water gun fight with him. I met amazing bands like Shinobi Ninja and danced like a kid with Koo Koo Kangaroo. The best part was all the new people who came and had a good time! Its weird....I want Nerda to expand but at the same time I hope it keeps its family mentality. What festival can you hang with all the bands after they did a set and there's not an ounce of ego to deal with? Anyway I'm looking for my next music fest or convention to crash!!!!!
 
 
Mood: hyperhyper
 
 
Mellowillow
04 July 2011 @ 10:15 am
 This week has been surprisingly good. No sad moments or depressing hang ups. Just work and comic book shop love. Found out today a friend of mine is doing a few art/music shows in the UK at the end of the month...seriously thinking of hopping on board for three days. 

Also this cracks me up: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=nerdjacking&defid=5886434
It's everyone I know, and me too I'm sure. But the older I get the more I meet people like this who go into such extremes that I've learned to find a fun mental place to chill when I talk to them. Maybe I'll just start yelling SHUT THE FUCK UP soon, or the nicer counterpart of that :)
 
 
Mood: rejuvenatedrejuvenated
 
 
Mellowillow
19 June 2011 @ 11:35 am

Being someones ex is one of the hardest things to deal with. Its accepting that no matter what happens in this persons life you, the ex, are excluded. I've been fighting urges to call my ex and ask the type of questions that would probably only bring sadness. and I've also been resisting calling him to have the type of conversations that only people in a relationship can have. When it boils down to it, I miss us.
The end of our relationship was confusing and the miscommunication became horrible. Over time I felt a gap between us. Something I tried to stop, but looking at it now, I think I only tried half heatedly. Why did I let us slip away? Am I, like many humans, a coward in the face of happiness? Did I let distance kill us? Everyone said we were perfect for each other. and we did fall into place easily. He understood me and even had a funny way of anticipating what I was feeling and needed. And I found I felt safe and comfortable surrounded by his love. I understand him now, why he said theres no way we could be friends after breaking up. Cause do I really want to know that his life is moving forward everyday without me? No, I don't think I could handle that.

Lately I've been trying not to drive myself crazy thinking about just flying over there and showing up at his door and mostly wondering if he thinks of me....I have to stop torturing myself with those types of thoughts. I never felt he was the type of person to wallow and let himself feel anything about the past. I guess I'm writing this now cause I had a dream about us last night. In it, I called him and we talked. You know they way people talk when they are just starting out, falling in love and exposing their honest true-selves to each other for the first time. Pathetically I woke up in tears and grabbed my phone but self doubt set in horribly. What the hell would I say at this point? And then I remembered his voice. not the voice I came to love while we were to together but the irritated and impatient voice at the end, that had me feeling like I was talking to a stranger.  I put the phone down as usual and started focusing on work and other mundane things that keep my mind busy. Not sure if writing this helps. We'll see. Here's a song I've listened to way to many times to count but still soothes me in a bitter sweet way.....


 
 
Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
 
 
Mellowillow
Some dude dancing to Travis Mccoy's wonderful music :D (song is Dr.Feel Good)
 
 
 
 
 
 
Mood: peacefulfor the moment
 
 
Mellowillow
19 August 2010 @ 09:47 am
Oh wow life has been complete crap this summer and the worst part is there's one more thing I have to do to close this crappy crap circle. It hasn't helped that I've had to take a number of pills, well 3 different types, to make things alright. In a few more weeks I'll be down to just one and then hopefully I won't need it at all. When I was younger I loved pills, but those were associated with fun and they were small and happy things but now I realize how disgusting they really are. I never want to see another one again. I was watching the sunset recently and writing, which felt weird since I haven't written a thing in almost a year, and I thought about the fact that I've been living this mundane life. I don't give a fuck about anything and my existence is hardly anything worth speaking of. .. How can I tell my loved ones that tomorrow will be a better day when I don't even believe that shit. I just don't.
 
 
Mood: apatheticapathetic
 
 
 
Mellowillow
06 June 2010 @ 08:24 am
WHat does it say about me that I was hurt, I actually felt the sting and everything when I found out about the Heroes cancellation? Is there something wrong with me? And now I want another show to replace it but maybe I should just take a walk or do something more constructive with my time you know. FUck it, I'm just obsessed. http://www.zacharyquinto.com/news/2010/05/chapters-end.html
I'm going to take Zach's (we're on first name bases of course) words in stride and chill out. I'm seriously thinking of going to the Comic-con now because I have a feeling there's going to be a killer emotional panel I don't want to miss out on.

In cool news---> I'm all excited cause I'm going to see Passion Pit. Putting on my awkward dancing shoes and getting ready to feel all sparkly n thoughtful. I can't wait till TV on the Radio comes...

And also also I dig this pic...I can relate. WAIT not in a 'I had a train ran on me way' jeez. But In a 'Life is coming at me full speed right now' way....hmmmm I sorta feel the need to elaborate on that but eh


Might as well include a pic of the women I plan to marry

 
 
Mood: delightfully insane
 
 
Mellowillow
27 May 2010 @ 12:07 pm
i frEAKNing GOT THERE AN HOUR EARLY
but they were locked.. sold out!!!
so me and a big group of fans went to the bar next to the concert HALL to drink n stuff and we
realized we heard Kill Switch playing really good next door from the outside patio
so i hung-out smoking a black n mild till a random red head realized we could see the stageand all the band members! from the corner of the patio and we all stood there dancing or having a great time
and drinking like crazy until after the 1st act(an hour)they rolled the door closed and it sucked after that...bleh....sorta
 
 
Mellowillow
15 February 2010 @ 04:48 pm
get him girl!...sometimes this is the best way to show a guy you love him(pull out the big guns!) I've always had a tender heart for Mystique and I love how impassioned she can get.



On another note: WTF XPLAY??
I checked out their special Valentines Day list of the top video game love stories: I guess this is a big fucking joke


 
 
 
Mellowillow
22 January 2010 @ 10:32 am
I always drive home like a mad women when I get off work. I know whats waiting for me when I get in. My video games, my books, my movies, my journals, my endless emails and accounts to check on. In his absence I've become a pleased hermit, only leaving my sanctuary to workout or collect more items I feel I must have...more incense, more books, food, and the occasional party or game night I attend to keep my social life above water.
But there's a few others things waiting for me, my wine being the tastiest. Choosing the proper bottle is important as I look in the cabinet.. Lately I've been feeling like Riesling Spätlese is perfect for me all the time. Its sweet in that way that keeps me coming back for more. After climbing out of my work cloths but leaving on the bare minimum, I pour a glass. I don't sit before I delight in my first sip. And I relish that moment, feeling like my tongue is in heaven. I usually take a few more short sips before I snap back to my reality for a moment. By that time I'm sitting and starting on the next few chapters in my latest sci-fi/fanstasy as the sips lengthen. When the glass is empty and I'm done page turning I stand and always smile at the slight light-headedness that captures me. Walking down my hall with purpose I enter the bathroom and turn on the shower, watching the water till it steams then turning it down just slightly. After I adjust my wall radio, I finish taking off the rest of the restrictions that cloth me and step in the shower. Feeling the water wash over me in the first moment is beyond words, the heat, the wine, that moment is bliss. This is what I've really rushed home too and sometimes I just stand like that, unable to move for a while. Then I lather with my favorite vanilla body wash and I begin the slow pleasurable journey of cleansing my curves and long limbs. I never want to get out. And if the day has been especially rough I let the water fill all the way and lay down to soak till dreams begin to enter
 
 
Mood: calmsated
 
 
Mellowillow
12 January 2010 @ 10:12 am
....the last surviving person who helped Anne Frank's family died Monday. She was 100 yrs old and I feel grateful for this women. It was due to her saving Anne's diary that people around the world were able to read and know what happened through a young girls eyes. That story affected me so much when we first read it back in school. It made me realize all the things in my life that I took for granted. I looked at things in a very typical teenager way. But after reading it I started to realize just how lucky I was that I was born into a time and place where I could literally do and say and become anything. The restrictions I always felt were placed on me were ridiculously minuscule compared to so many other young women actually struggling to stay alive everyday. I'm grateful for Miep Gies and the courageous decisions she took back then even while knowing that any slip up she made would mean death for her and many other people inculding Anne Frank and her family.
 
 
 
Mellowillow
21 December 2009 @ 05:53 am
will they think of me when i die?
will my name be cherished?
does the after life wait around the corner?
or is it simply The End?
 
 
Mood: melancholymelancholy
 
 
Mellowillow
18 December 2009 @ 06:30 am
(love these guys. they were so random this time around. me likes me likes)
 
 
Mellowillow
30 November 2009 @ 07:48 am
welp Germany was amazing. i guess that's to be expected anyway but i've never felt so melancholy about coming home before :(
i wanted to forget any plans or work i had for the rest of the year and stay in europe. when i go back next year i'll make sure to schedule way more time.
so now i just have two more places to visit on my top three list: New Zealand and Japan.yup.

when my flight landed in Frankfurt at 5am I was so sleepy but I saw this and thought 'YES gimmie some hotcakes!!! ..typical american huh? or just crazy-starved-half-zombie thoughts


this pic always cracks a smile out. even though i know what it means its still looks crazy without at least a comma somewhere


theres so many other pics but their on myspace and there they shall stay

i'll be back damn you!
 
 
Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
 
 
Mellowillow
22 November 2009 @ 04:34 am
Welp I'm asking for opinions here:
In May there are two events happening on the same dates.


AND
http://phoenixcomicon.com/

I've already been to both but the comicon is being moved to a bigger venue because its grown so much since I've been. The pros are I get to go home and well its a comicon so that explains that :D
But then there's Nerdapalooza which grew on me instantly. The music is always great and the after parties almost top the concerts. Sigh, I don't know which to choose

oh crap I just read the guest list for the comicon......common sense is starting to kick in a bit
 
 
Doing: listening to my horrible podcast
 
 
Mellowillow
31 October 2009 @ 07:48 am
I'm giddy. This is how I am every single year at this time. I don't really celebrate anything but Halloween and my birthday walk hand in hand and I love it. Just two big reasons to become lush and skipping happy as hell..
I went to a costume party at the comic shop last night and ran into the guy who did a tattoo on my friend Justin. This dude was like a walking comic book encyclopedia, and I was already steady into my 3rd glass of wine so he kept having to correct my references.
I went as Gogo Yubari.  So I built a chain mace hours before with crazy spikes all over it. The moment I walked through the door all the damn spikes, that I so carefully crazy glued to the ball, fell everywhere. Damn it was funny but I was pissed when my friend ran over and pointed and said loud as fuck "the spikes are falling off your ball!". Good job Sherlock.
I'd have to say the best part of the night was hitting some guy in the back of his head with my bald mace :), but it was Scarecrow so I didn't give a fuck. Okay that wasn't the best part. Meeting Mimi was it. This chick came to the party as Death, the sandman version, so I was immediately hyper about talking to her. We ended up talking about the series all night and decided that we would need to hangout so we could go ape shit over Neil Gaimen again. She texted me a few hours after the party about meeting up but my stupid ass car would NOT start and then I couldn't get my apt door open. I was out there forever trying to figure that shit out.
Soooo today I went to find a party that will at least come near to the caliber of parties I went to in phoenix two years ago. We'll see how it goes....

I so wanted Gogo to kill Uma's ass in this scene..... :( But at least she f'd her up pretty good

 
 
Mood: sleepysleepy
Doing: silence
 
 
 
Mellowillow
08 October 2009 @ 01:40 am
On the same note, this guy always makes me sigh......Sigh... i used to think that i didn't really have a certain type of guy i like but its obvious to me now that i'm in love with weirdos n geeks
 
 
 
Mellowillow
07 August 2009 @ 09:51 pm
hmmm....
Okay had to change the avatar for a few days cause my small rant is Baroness based.  In the past I had too many reasons to love The Baroness. Shoot, at one point I wanted to be her.....fierce, sexy, cunning, intelligent, vicious, sleek hair and those damn glasses. Visually she lived up to all this in the movie (yes!) but her 'cute' plotline with Duke was....silly.  I'm praying in the next movie we find out that she's a double agent.

There are a ton of changes made from the comic book version, like Cobras outfit, wtf? or other odd couples and plots. But seriously I had an awesome time watching this flick. I couldn't stop laughing! Damn and that Paris scene was so much fun:))
 
Anyway I'm eagerly awaiting The Last Airbender, Tron, Where the Wild thing Are and Alice in Wonderland(with some reservations)
 
 
 
Mood: hyperhyper
Doing: phone pressed to ear
 
 
Mellowillow
28 July 2009 @ 07:57 am
I'm glued to magic the gathering...Again. When I was 18-22 I played hard. It feels good to pick the deck back up. I was thinking about some games I was addicted to then.....phantasy star online, guilty gear, fallout 2, samurai shodown II, magic....games that I threw down for various reasons. I think I was just making more room for my other addictions (novels, comics, anime, and other ps2 games...oh and WoW took over for a while there too). There always seems to be an abundance of things to watch or play or read.
 
But anyway I blew the dust off my Elf deck this past April and headed to the card shop down the road. I quickly realized there's a ton of 24yr old and above who play there and that I needed to revamp the fuck out of my deck .  After a ton of games I came to the conclusion that it was time to let the Elfs go for a walk. I tried Nightmares, Zombies, Merfolk. Then I started running an aggressive Burn deck and I'm having so much fun throwing these instants out.
 
Last week one of the guys there asked if I was interested in playing a little D&D. Damn, I never even tried that game before. Dare I walk down the path of no return? I'm greatly interested in anything fantasy based and I've heard how this game sucks you in, like Wow. I guess there's nothing wrong with meeting up with a group of adults and getting a little roleplay on. Its just not the type I usually fantasize about but oh well, I'll give it a try.<input ... ></input><input ... >
 
 
 
Mood: musing
Doing: Listening to Paranoia (audio book)
 
 
Mellowillow
21 June 2009 @ 04:30 pm

i hear branches moving outside my window. the sun feels so good on my face. i dont want to get up. my body hasn't felt so relaxed in a long time. it feels like im floating on my back in a pool. letting the breeze play with me.

[staring at my posters]
 

 

 
 
Mood: relaxedrelaxed
 
 
 
Mellowillow
16 June 2009 @ 08:28 am
Damn this really made me smile today. All the running around and fighting in this movie was fun, so was the game. I might go rent it and play it again, just for kicks
 
 
Mood: mellowmellow
 
 
Mellowillow
06 June 2009 @ 09:54 am
cera  
He's so attractive to me and so unapologetically dorky and dammit I...I love him for it.

 
 
Mellowillow
27 May 2009 @ 12:35 pm

alcohol is NOT your damn friend
so stop it!!
STOP. it. E


 
 
 
Mellowillow
27 May 2009 @ 10:17 am
Watching my older brothers slow mental trip into Schizophrenia has been the hardest thing for me so far. SOmetimes after talking to him I feel like I might be loosing my mind. I listen to him as he tells me what is going through his mind and my heartbreaks over and over again. I want to jump in there so bad and fix everything thats happening to him. In 2002 he started to loose his grip with reality...by the end of the year it was like he was gone completely. We, his family, just couldn't understand what was going on. After speaking to several doctors he was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia. Its like his life has been stolen from him. He was in school for broadcasting at Morris Brown. He was the type of guy you couldn't help but like....so easy going and kind and funny as hell. My best friend. Now he lives inside his shell. He sits in the corner of his hospital room listening to the voices and responding. Every once in a while he'll break through and seem regular but never for long. He never fully remembers anything he's done like attacking our dad cause voices tell him to or getting arrested.

He's in and out of hospitals now, thats his life. He'll tell me that he doesn't see a purpose in this life and I hate it I fucking HATE IT!!! I get so scared he might do something stupid. It just turns me into a little girl again ->crying and hugging him and telling him everything I can to make life feel or seem worthwhile for him. He promises me he'll keep taking his pills and keep trying to fight what he hears or sees. And afterwords I feel scattered, drained, hopeful but bleak...like today...

He sounded so horrible today that I feel I desperately need to speak to him face to face. So I'm going to new york tomorrow till whenever. My sisters tell me to let the doctors do their job but can a fucking doctor really give someone the hope they need to want to live another day? I don't think so

Every time I hear this song I think of Dwight


 
 
 
Mood: melancholymelancholy
 
 
Mellowillow
04 May 2009 @ 11:00 am
I completed the quiz "Which book character are you?" with the result Holden.  It makes sense. He's always been one of my favorite characters..we think alike.
 

You always complain about the things happening around you and you are never satisfied with them. You like to criticize people and you hate phoniness. Even though you don't clearly show it, you are sensitive and intellectual. At times you mentally over dramatize simple situations. You find comfort as a wallflower, being that it gives you time to ponder and analyze but want someone to share the quiet time with.




 
 
 
 
 
 
Mellowillow
29 April 2009 @ 10:29 am
its only a few months away! and only a few miles from my folks new crib!



 
 
 
Mellowillow
28 April 2009 @ 03:23 pm
I think he is amazing lyrically. Every word feels so real and gracefully done.
He has this serious side and beautiful voice that makes love to my ears... and he's silly as hell Can I have him for christmas? I'll be good allll year, I swear :))
 
 
 
 
Mellowillow
13 April 2009 @ 11:33 am
What is your favorite old-school video game?

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